"Oh, you can just put that in the book drop."

It never fails: when you're sitting behind the circulation desk and want a patron to put their books in the book drop, they'll just put them on the counter. When you're at the counter checking in books, they'll put them in the book drop, forcing you to retrieve them.

"How do you spell sword?"

- Circ. Ass.

"Have you seen my..."

We have a new character to add to the list of usual suspects: Lost and Found guy.

This guy has come up to the circulation desk a few times to ask me if anyone has turned in a black glove. Just one. I checked our small Lost and Found (literally like 5 items) with a glance and told him I didn't see a black glove. He then asked if I could open the classroom in the lobby of the library, full of new expensive computer equipment, just for him. I, of course, cannot do that, so I told him that security would have to. I called security to open the classroom so that he could look to see if he left his single glove in there.

About 30 minutes later, Circ. Ass. was at the desk with me. Lost and Found guy approaches and asks her to check our Lost and Found for a single black skiing glove. I wanted to say, "No, in the last 30 minutes while you were rummaging through that classroom, no one brought your precious glove in." Circ. Ass. informed him that she saw no glove.

About 4 days later, the same guy comes lumbering up to the circulation desk early in the morning. He greeted me with: "Has anyone turned in a flash drive? It's a Sandisk 4GB black thumb drive." I think to myself, wow, this guy could lose anything. A glove that would presumably be on his hand and a thumb drive with potentially 4GB of homework on it? He's not your typical irresponsible 20-something college student, either. I would guess him to be about 45. I check the Lost and Found again for his thumb drive, producing nothing. He asks if he can look in the classroom in the lobby. Again, I tell him I don't have a key for the lobby classrooms and that security would have to unlock it. This time he decides against calling security and shuffles toward the elevator to check the 3rd floor's computer lab. He returns to the circulation desk shortly thereafter to request for security to be called afterall.

The Boss: "Do you want me to call security and have them open the classroom?" (meanwhile noticing that there is a class in progress in the room)

Lost and Found Guy: "No, I just need you to ask if they've seen my thumb drive."

The Boss: "That isn't exactly how it works. Security is the lost and found for the entire campus. They're not going to dig through their stuff while I'm on the phone describing it. You would have to go over to their office."

Lost and Found Guy: "Oh, nevermind."

Lost and Found Guy proceeds to walk off to the classroom in the lobby of the library and take his seat--the very classroom he pestered me to open. So he was 10 minutes late to class looking for a flash drive that very may well have been in that room?

- The Boss

When Xenu knocks... Who listens?

Today, we had a great donation. Two boxes, rather heavy, shipped directly from a publisher. I didn't recognize the publisher, but I was excited because anytime a publisher sends two boxes of new books for free is an exciting time. As the boxes were opened, I had to behold the burst of radiant bright light cast from the glare of the mothership. Two full boxes of brand new, cellophane-wrapped Scientology books. About 20 in each box, all by the almighty L. Ron Hubbard.

This is only amazing due to the fact that Circ. Ass. was talking to me about Scientology just the day before we got the shipment. Today I will have her talk to me about diamonds and gold.

- The Boss

When Scientology attacks

Circ. Ass: "Library, how can I help you?"

Patron: "OK, I have a question! What do you call here and hear and there and their?"

Circ. Ass: "I'm sorry?"

Patron: "You know, like, they're the same, but they're different!" Honoleums?"

Circ. Ass: "Homonyms?"

Patron: "Yes! How do you spell that?"

That was the highlight of my morning until The Boss discovered that the Church of Scientology donated two boxes of L. Ron Hubbard's greatest masterpieces to our library.

- Circ. Ass.

Creepy stranger lurking

It was a fairly uneventful morning until Creepy Potential Stalker guy made an appearance. This was our first visit from CPS, so we had no clue what we were in for. He started out on the first floor of the library, wandering from one patron to another as if he was making rounds at a function where networking was the main goal. A librarian asked one of our regular patrons who had just wrapped up an encounter with CPS if he knew him. The patron said that he didn't know him, but that CPS called him by name to ask him for a cigarette. At that time, the librarian decided to ask CPS not to bother patrons he does not know, but he had already disappeared.

I went upstairs to monitor things on the second floor when I spotted CPS chatting up a young woman. He slinked away before I could question him, so I directed my inquiries to the girl. She also said that she didn't know him, but that he asked her if she would like to meet him at the library the following morning.

Ummm, that would be a no, Creepy Potential Stalker guy.

- The Boss

Can you hear me now? (awful pun)

A patron dropped his phone down the elevator shaft this morning. He was pretty peeved about it, too. Talk about perfect timing, to drop your phone as the doors are opened and while you're stepping out. The Boss tried to get him to call it just so we could hear the muffled ringing and have a few laughs, but the guy wasn't having any of that.

"I saw it drop into the shaft and I heard it hit the ground! And it was on vibrate anyway!"

- The Boss & Circ. Ass.

The sweet spot

I'm always amazed at how trusting patrons are of other people, especially when it comes to their valuable possessions. Many times I've seen someone leave their expensive laptop, iPod, or cell phone unattended while they spend a few minutes in the bathroom or run to the main building to break a dollar. Reading incident reports at the college can make you think criminals run rampant here, but I'm honestly surprised there aren't more theft issues.

Speaking of thievery, there was a story circulating a few months ago about a couple who was stealing books from several different libraries to resell them. Their scam was elaborate, involving disguises and different identities to register courtesy cards. I think we pinpointed ten different accounts in our system that belonged to them. They were eventually found out when whoever they were selling the materials to recognized our stamps on the books. I wonder what gave them the idea to rip off libraries.

- Circ. Ass.

The Sliders

Let's say I'm checking out books to a Slider, typically a disgruntled patron. I have my hand out reaching for their ID to scan, but this gesture goes ignored by The Sliders. The Sliders fling their IDs across the counter like they're playing air hockey, with such force that the cards fly off onto the floor behind the circulation desk. The Sliders offer no apologies.

- Circ. Ass.

Signs, signs, everywhere signs

There is a slot (the "book drop") at the circulation desk for patrons to return checked-out materials, materials they were simply browsing, or headphones. A lot of times, patrons will completely ignore the book drop and heave their used materials on the countertop. This often causes confusion among the staff, especially during shift changes when employees don't know if the items have already been discharged. It usually leads to books being shelved or headphones returning to their drawer when they haven't been checked in. To combat this, the circulation staff made a sign to display on the counter, directly above the book drop, to clear any confusion for patrons about where their used items should go. Patrons look directly at the sign and decide not to heed its advice, reaching around it to place their books on the counter.

Instances like these make me think that no matter where a sign is placed, how big it is, or how brightly decorated it may be, it will be ignored. I know visiting the campus for the first time is confusing and I'm more than happy to relieve someone's stress and point them in the right direction, but this post is mainly about the repeat offenders or completely helpless.

- Circ. Ass.

"Headphones!"

Patrons who aren't students can check out headphones in exchange for valid collateral--a photo ID or a set of keys. Things patrons have tried to use as collateral: birth certificates, social security cards, homemade IDs, clothes, cash, lip gloss, and a receipt

- The Boss & Circ. Ass.

The usual suspects

We, The Boss and Circ. Ass., got this idea for a character list from the liberry blog. Our nicknames definitely aren't as clever as his, but they're in the preliminary stages and are subject to change.

Crazy Headphones Lady - An impatient woman, potentially homeless, who comes into the library to listen to music videos, but always manages to sit at a computer that has video issues. Not only do videos malfunction at her chosen computer, but the headphones are also broken. Always requests to borrow headphones, but never has a photo ID to use as collateral. Seems to purposely stay out of the circulation staff's peripheral vision while asking for assistance.

Quiet Homeless Woman - Crazy Headphones Lady's accomplice. Will borrow headphones for Crazy Headphones Lady with her own photo ID. Meekish woman that causes very little trouble, but does think that our printing fee is too high.

Rockstar - Young college student that looks much younger than college-age. Nicknamed for returning a headset and informing the staff in a too-cool tone that he will not wind the cord around the headphones (our policy). Refers to his hair as "the crown of thorns" and insists he looks like the singer for whatever band is cool that semester.

Hot Pants - Man, likely homeless, who walks through the library daily around 11AM with a plastic bag of unidentified items. Always wears the same white t-shirt and very short red sweatpant cut-offs.

Newspaper Man (nickname pending) - Diligent paper-reader, will corner employees about staying in school if he catches their gaze.

Serial Killer Guy - Creepy patron with a strange bone structure, has been caught watching pornography and claims to have been in major movies and popular television shows.

- The Boss & Circ. Ass.

Easily confused

Print cards are included in the fees for students enrolled at the community college. A print card is a card that allows patrons a certain number of pages printed from the computers in the library. Students need only ask for a print card, whereas the general public can buy them at a rate of $1 each and add to that amount as they see fit.

Copy cards are non-existent cards that allow patrons free copies. Many students and professors mistakenly refer to the print cards as copy cards. When corrected, patrons usually respond with, "whatever it's called, can I get one?" They are subsequently astonished when the cards don't work at the copiers.

- The Boss & Circ. Ass.

The sigh heard around the world

Yesterday I experienced the strangest, most insulting encounter I've ever had with a patron. It began with a woman who lost three of the seven books she had checked out, all of which were very overdue. As a college library, we substitute fines for holds on academic accounts, meaning students cannot enroll or request a transcript until their library issues are resolved. I know enrollment is a frustrating time for everyone, but patrons act like we have a personal vendetta against them when we tell them we can't lift account holds until all of the offending materials have been returned or paid for.

The woman I was assisting was cheery enough, until I told her I wouldn't lift her hold "for an hour" while she enrolled. She insisted someone had done it for her before and when I told her I couldn't violate library policy, she asked to speak to my boss and thus heard the same spiel twice. If a patron has lost a book, they have two options: a) pay for the book ($50 flat fee) or, usually the cheapest route, b) replace the book. The woman sensed defeat, so she said she would be by later to pay and left in a gruff mood. She did return, with a $100 check and the third missing book in hand. I was relieved that she wasn't going to cause a scene by refusing to pay and happily filled out a receipt for her. Her check was on the counter during the transaction, partially obstructed by her arm. While I was filling out the receipt, I noticed that she was having an almost cartoonish realization when she saw that I hadn't yet taken the check. With a remarkable lack of subtlety, her eyes widened and glanced to each side as she cleverly pulled the rest of the check under her arm and towards her body, covering it completely. Was she really trying to do what I thought she was doing? I finished the receipt and asked for the check... She pretended that she already gave it to me.

- Circ. Ass.

The real action begins

What community college library employee doesn't experience the overwhelming sense of dread that comes with preparing for the first day of a new semester? Long gone are the intercession days of angelic silence and shelving peacefully amidst a ghost town of book shelves and unoccupied study corrals.

We employees forge ahead into the new semester with the kind of irritability that comes with food poisoning, but at least we make a point to have a smile on our faces while doing so. I usually make an effort to be pleasant, especially after I once had a patron comment on my look of dissatisfaction by telling me in a really facetious tone that librarians must have the most stressful jobs. I often wonder what kind of workplace the general public thinks libraries are. Sure, it's an intellectual environment, but it definitely isn't the "zen" atmosphere people might believe it to be. There's print cards, paper jams, the homeless, and nursing students. Oh, nursing students...

I'm kidding. I have no qualms with my fantastic job (really, it is fantastic). Working for and with the public is always rewarding and there's never a dull day. Here's an outlet to document them.

- Circ. Ass.