Patrons: Don't get angry with me when you ask me to retrieve a solutions manual without specifying which manual it is and I bring you something other than what you were looking for. I'm going to make a shirt that says, "CANNOT READ MINDS." It'd be just another sign for them to ignore.

- Circ. Ass.

Rage Against the Library

There were three of us on duty this morning: The Boss, myself, and Air Bud. A patron approached the desk asking for change for his dollar and Air Bud informed him that we cannot make change. The patron stood still for a moment to process Air Bud's response before walking directly over to our copy center, inserting his dollar into one of the copiers and pressing the change return button. He smiled at me, smugly jingling his new four quarters and headed for the vending machines. It isn't the first time that this has happened, but patrons always think they're outsmarting us. We must have one of the smallest college campuses in the state. Why can't you muster the 100-yard walk over to the main building where they will happily provide you with change? They have even better vending machines there!

- Circ. Ass.

The most gentlemanly patron I've ever met was in the library today complaining about the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. He was surprised we'd promote "softcore pornography" and remarked that some men would rather actually read about sports in their sports magazine.

Similarly, I've been waiting for that infamous Lindsay Lohan issue of New York to come in so that we can heavily censor it. It's almost like Liberry's idea of filling The Wall Street Journal's crossword in with wrong answers, with a pen.

- Circ. Ass.

Oblivious

We've been having unusually sunny days lately, so the weather took a turn for the worse overnight to remind us that it's still winter. This morning, a professor approached the circulation desk and informed us that he wanted to renew the video he had checked out. His voice was so loud that it actually startled me, and then I noticed he was wearing earmuffs. That explained it, since people usually overcompensate the level of their voice when they can't hear themselves.

A patron also approached the circulation desk about this time. He seemed to be an international student and was intrigued by the professor's earmuffs. He asked, "Do they affect your hearing?"

The professor: "NO, NOT REALLY. NOT AT ALL!"

- Circ. Ass.

Cesspool

To the patron who put his ID in his mouth before handing it to me to check out a textbook:

Thanks, thanks a lot.

- Circ. Ass.

And they're off...

The race down the intelligence highway is going fast and furious this morning.

For some reason, our Technical Librarian decided to take down the signs on our printer stations asking patrons not to print PDF files. See, our printer computers are a bit dated (state school) and don't have a lot of memory in them, so printing a PDF file has the potential to clog the printer for ours. We had a sign on our two public printers for some time stating not to print PDFs and life was good. Then the Technical Librarian had success printing a one-page PDF and thought it was fine.

Well, yesterday, someone printed three PDFs back to back. Sure enough, it clogged the printer. So the Technical Librarian decides to see if she can make it work. She tests prints a PDF. Nope, still clogged. Then she asks me to transfer the clogged PDF print job to the only other working public printer. I obey in a grumble. Now both are down. We put notes on them stating that they're both out of order, meaning students will have to print elsewhere and public patrons are SOL.

This morning, we had a customer conversation that went something like this:

Computer patron: "There are notes on both printers saying they're out of order."

The Boss: "Yes, they both are."

Computer patron: "So, I can't print to either one of them?"

The Boss: (wishing I could say, "That's right. College is working for you. Money well spent, genius. Next stop, Mensa.") "You can't print to either one of the printers that are out of order. That is correct."

Computer patron: (standing, muttering, not looking for a response) "Well, what are we supposed to do? The library's printers are down."

I had many suggestions, but let it be. By now, he should know that there are at least two places to print in the school. Not to mention the public libraries that are close by...


- The Boss

He's baaaack

Lost and Found Guy just came by. He, of course, started the conversation with, "Can you check the lost and found for me?"

Circ. Ass. just grabs the entire box of our lost and found items (now up to 8 or 10) and asks what he's looking for. He begins to describe his cell phone... Nope! It isn't there.

Circ. Ass. notices that there's a black glove in the lost and found and asks if he was still missing his. Lost and Found Guy says, "No, but you have a good memory!"

I think any memory matched up against his would be "good."

- The Boss

Just had the first printer patron of the day.

She asked for a print card and I gladly issued her one. (A refresher: It costs 10 cents per page to print from the library computers. We register patrons cards with a monetary balance to help ease the process of printing. Students get print cards for free through their student fees, whereas public patrons can buy them beginning at $1.) She went to a computer and brought up the document she wanted to print and selected the Print icon.

When selecting to print, a dialog box will appear for the patron to name their print job. She types in her name. So far, so good. She approaches the circulation desk again.

Printer Patron: "Is there anything special I'm supposed to type when the box pops up for me to name my print job?"

The Boss: "No, most people put their name there."

Printer Patron: "I did that and nothing happened. The printer is not printing."

The Boss: "Did you go to the printer and swipe your print card?"

Printer Patron: "No."

I proceed to explain how to swipe her print card and she walks off. I assume she got the printer to work.

I do wonder how she thought holding a print card in her hand would make the job print. Like the computer and printer can differentiate between a patron with a print card and one without. What kind of technology do these people think exists now? In their minds, I guess it would work like a Pike Pass for the turnpike. Wow, that is a great idea.

I also wonder what she thought all that extra equipment around the printer was for while she waited for her job to print. Did it ever enter her mind that the card reader might be used for something? Or that the posted instructions written in plain English actually applied to her?
Good morning, Friday.

- The Boss

The Sixth Sense: Book Guessing?

I know I work in a library and am supposed to know everything, but I don't.

When you come up to the circulation desk and I ask how I can help you, the proper response is not, "I need a book."

Say that and on the right day, you're liable to catch a: "Well, you're in the right place! This is a library and we have over 100,000 items in our collection!"

Of course you need a book. That's why you're at the library circulation desk.

"Can you help me find this book?" or "I need help finding a book" are much more acceptable. "I need a book" is just one step above the patrons who come to the desk and hold up their library card and say nothing, as if I'm a mind reader.

- The Boss

Annoyance #1,327

Situation: phone call to the circulation desk

Me: "Library, how can I help you?"

Patron: "Yeah, is this the library?"

- Circ. Ass.

Computer illiteracy

First computer patron of the day...

Patron, as if she knows about a time they weren't: "Are the computers working yet?"

The Boss: "To my knowledge, yes."

Patron: "Can you help me? I moved the mouse and hit enter like I do on my computer and it isn't working."

The Boss: "Sure."

I walk over to the computer and see that the power button on the computer is not lit up. I press it and ta-da! It's on.

Nothing is said after that. Silence must equal gratitude.

- The Boss

Time for employee development!

Picture this to be Crazy Headphones Lady's third day in a row to visit the library. She walks by the desk and cheerfully says hello and asks how I am. Whenever she's nice, I am leery. This means she already knows she will need help. She proceeds to sit at one of two computers (out of the 75 available) that she has never been able to play videos on. She also happened to pick the only one not already equipped with headphones. She asks to borrow some and Circ. Ass. #1 takes her ID as collateral.

Everything is smooth operating so far. Several hours later, I had just returned from lunch and Crazy Headphones Lady approaches the circulation desk.

Crazy Headphones Lady: "I need my ID back."

Circ. Ass. #2: "OK, what's your name?"

Crazy Headphones Lady: "It's [Crazy Headphones Lady]."

Circ. Ass. #2: "Here it is!"

At this point, Circ. Ass. #2 proceeds to hand Crazy Headphones Lady her ID without her returning our headphones, which is what the ID was collateral for in the first place. I decide to step in.

The Boss: "Uhh, we need our headphones back."

Crazy Headphones Lady doesn't seem to like me, so she ignores me and addresses the circulation assistants as some kind response proxy.

Crazy Headphones Lady (responding to me, but directed at Circ. Ass. #2): "They're over there, at the computer."

The Boss: "We'll need those back before we can give you your ID."

Well, Circ. Ass. #2 has mistakenly given Crazy Headphones Lady her ID back already, so she's becoming uncooperative.

Crazy Headphones Lady: "If you stand up, you can see them over there. That guy is using them right now."

The Boss: "Please go get them. They belong over here. If he needs some, he can check out a pair."

Crazy Headphones Lady walks off to the computer, mumbling something. She yells from the cubicle, "See, here they are!"

I ignore the yelling, hoping she will just return them to me. Still astonished that Circ. Ass. #2 traded her ID for no headphones. Makes me wonder what happens the seven hours we're open during the weekdays when I'm not here. At least there's still Circ. Ass. #1.

- The Boss

Habit-forming

So, you know that whole thing about patrons asking other employees for a second opinion when they hear something they don't want to hear? It happened again the other day. Then again, it happens just about every day.

We have some textbooks on reserve at the circulation desk that students can check out for a couple hours at a time. A guy came in to check out a textbook and returned it shortly thereafter, but whipped back by the desk in a slight panic trying to get The Boss's attention. He tried to ignore my how-can-I-help-yous, but The Boss was busy, so he was forced to settle for my assistance. It turns out he thought he left his student ID in the book he returned and wanted me to look for it. We had multiple copies of the book he checked out, so I pulled them all and searched them thoroughly in front of him. Unfortunately, his ID didn't appear to be in any of them. You'd expect relunctant acceptance in that situation, but he wasn't satisfied. He decided to wait until The Boss was free so that he could check instead.

Huh? Does he have some kind of page-flipping, book-shaking technique that completely trumps my search attempts?

The Boss didn't find the ID either.

- Circ. Ass.

"Helloooo! Excuuuuuse me!"

Crazy Headphones Lady arrived at the library in a cheerful mood today and even stopped to ask how we were at the desk before finding a computer to use. It wasn't long until she was calling to us from behind the circulation desk--out of our peripheral vision, as usual. She asked me to add a dollar to her print card and handed me a tightly-wadded bill. I added the balance for her and she was off to do some printing.

Not long afterwards, she called out from behind again and The Boss tried to assist her. Apparently, she lost her bus fare and wanted to cash out the remaining balance on her print card. This is something we cannot do and The Boss tried informing her of such, but she completely ignored him and locked eyes with me since I made the transaction. I told her the balance couldn't be redeemed and she was visibly upset. I think she went back to printing.

I can't believe how often the above happens. When patrons don't like the answer one employee has to give them, they'll ask the other one on duty. It's always the same outcome, but that doesn't stop them from trying. I'm surprised it happened this way though, since The Boss is my superior and you'd think she'd realize his word is supreme rule anyway. But trust me, patrons, when I say we cannot make change for the copiers because we don't have fines and therefore generate next to no money, it's the truth. My coworker isn't going to give you a different answer, so please don't grin and approach the area of the desk where they are to ask the same question. I wouldn't lead you astray, dear patrons, so there's no need for a second opinion. If I'm unsure about something I'm telling you, I'll definitely verify it before passing the information along. Change for a $20 will not automatically appear in our cash drawer because you asked someone else.

The Boss witnessed a funny scenario today. He was making his usual rounds on the first floor when he heard a very loud male voice speaking. He suspected it to be a patron, but once he pinpointed it, he noticed it was coming from a computer. A lady was sitting at a computer watching some sort of instructional video with headphones on, listening intently. The Boss realized that the headphones weren't even plugged in and politely pointed it out to her. "But I'm hearing it through the headphones!"

No, you're not.

- Circ. Ass.