Why do patrons get so defensive when we catch them viewing pornography and ask them to leave? The Boss stood less than three feet behind such a patron today for a full two minutes before the patron even realized. When he did, he wasn't too happy. "WHAT?! Can I not download music?!" Well, that's illegal and is concerning, but those hardcore videos you were fastforwarding through are the reasons why you won't be coming back here.

Another patron recently came to the circulation desk with this riddle: "I need to watch a video, but I don't know the title of it."

Hummmm...

"Although, I do know that the title is something clever about flowers."

Ohhh! OK then.

- Circ. Ass.

We have several study rooms available in our library for groups to study, or just individuals who need the serenity of their own room with the ability to shut a door. In a number of those rooms, we provide dry erase boards. That means, of course, that we have dry erase markers and erasers available at the circulation desk to use on those boards.

Today, a patron gave me his ID as collateral for a marker. He didn't like the fact that we only had the color red available, but accepted it anyway. He asked, "Is it dry?" Before I could answer, he took the cap off of the marker and drew on the mousepad for the computer on the circulation counter. What are you doing, dude?

- Circ. Ass.

Today, a patron tried to check out headphones using a fake ID. With Halle Berry's picture on it.

When we check out books to patrons, we always verbally inform them of the due date (even though it's printed on the bookmark). The other day, I noticed that the due date was May 5th. I told a patron his book was due back on Cinco de Mayo and he issued a bewildered, "HUH?!" I guess that's not really that weird, but this dude had no idea.

- Circ. Ass.

Not exactly the most insane question, but certainly an uncommon one:

"What's the warmest part of the library?"

It's going to be in the 80s outside today, so we may have had the air conditioner on to compensate, but it's definitely not chilly in the library. He asked very nonchalantly and seemed confused at my confusion when I didn't hear him the first time/asked for clarification.

- Circ. Ass.

Yet again

First printer patron of the day...

The first printer patron just came by. He asked me to help him log on to the print station where he was trying to retrieve documents. I approach the station and leave the password field blank, since there isn't one, and the patron then informs me that he has already tried several different passwords to no avail. After three unsuccessful attempts, our system locks out the user.

Thanks, jerk! I'm glad you moved the keyboard that we hid behind the monitor. I'm glad you decided to try your own zany password combinations to logon with, rather than just ask me first. We don't need people as smart as you to lock up our system. Now it's out of order and everyone else's print job has to be transferred.

Not long afterwards, another patron approached me asking where the other copier was because the one he was next to was out of order. That was actually the print station that was out of order, thanks to the first guy. I asked if he meant the printer. He answers with a yes, so I showed him the other printer. He thanked me, but still seemed confused. I then asked if he was going to use it to make copies of the magazine he was holding and he again said yes. I referred him to the copiers, not the printers. I wasn't sure how to explain the difference, seeing as he got himself into the situation of not knowing in the first place.

- The Boss

Despite the lack of updates, there has been no shortage whatsoever of insanity at our library... Including a patron who was recently accosted by police for allegedly viewing child pornography on our computers.

PDFs have a tendency to lock up our printers, so we have signs asking students not to print them. This hasn't deterred some mystery patron who keeps trying to print PDFs, naming each print job with a different expletive. Once they actually named a print job, "Chris's *explicitive deleted*" (including the bad spelling). At least he's censoring himself now.

So I decided to illustrate some of my favorite patron moments! These pictures bare no resemblance to any particular customers.



This picture demonstrates the average patron's tunnel vision. We have giant signs everywhere, indicating the locations of the circulation desk, elevators, copy center, and library assistance desk. Apparently some people only have the ability to rotate their heads from side to side and not up and down.



In some cases, the sign is even at eye level with the patron. This picture illustrates a patron situation from earlier this morning, when a woman wanted to return a book. She began to leave it on the countertop, so I asked her just to slide it into the book drop slot. There's a sign display right above the book drop with a large, red arrow showing patrons where to return their materials. She was looking right over the sign at me and still had no idea what I was talking about. Those were a frustrating few seconds.

It's also awesome when patrons who have never been to the library before ask for books on a particular subject, then ask how to find those books and walk away from the circulation desk when you're in the middle of explaining. They usually then call from the library assistance phone for someone to come find their books for them.

- Circ. Ass.

First copier patron of the day...

I hear "hey, buddy!" coming from the copy center, but I don't react. I'm not sure I feel that "hey, buddy!" is a correct way to initiate a conversation with someone that you need help from. I do understand that it's casual Friday, but I'm not your buddy.

"Sir?" Now that's better. I get up and ask how I can help.

Patron: "Umm..." He's holding a blank piece of paper, turning it over and over as if looking for the hidden side where our copier prints. "The printer just printed a blank page. I put the original in correctly." He lifts the lid and shows me the placement of the original.

I wanted to tell him that the copier is just mad because he keeps calling it a printer.

The original only had about five lines printed on it and he had placed it in the very middle of the glass. Well, anyone who uses a copier knows (and anyone who can pay attention to boldly printed instructions on the copier itself) that the original should always be placed in the upper left hand corner. I move the original to where it belongs, point to the pictures and words that explain the proper placement and walk off.

Patron, in a defeated tone: "I guess I will get another ten cents. Hold on."

Refunds are reserved for those that deserve it. There is no excuse for ignorance and certainly no excuse for cocky ignorance. ("I put it in right." Yeah, sure ya did.)

- The Boss

So, a patron approached the circulation desk today and Circ. Ass. was attending to the book drop while he asked her a question.

Patron: "I'm looking for the elevators... I want the third floor."

Circ. Ass. (who didn't hear the important "elevators" part): "Um, the third floor... Yeah, that's on the... third floor..."

Yeah, he knows that already.

- The Boss

Just had the first printer patron with a problem come up to the circulation desk.

Patron: "I just printed something off that was 22 pages, but it only printed the even pages."

The Boss: "Ummm... Turn each page over."

Patron: "Oh... OK, thanks."

- The Boss

Someone asked me for the date today. When I told him it was the Wednesday, the 12th, he said, "yeah, yeah" as if that were obvious and clarified himself: "but what month?"

- Circ. Ass.

People, if you approach the print station and the computer has a screensaver on, all you have to do is move the mouse. The computer doesn't know what you want it to do with your card. It, like us, cannot read minds.

- Circ. Ass.

A patron approaches the circulation desk.

Air Bud: "Can we help you?"

Patron: "Journals!" The patron stares blankly, offering no clarification.

Do library-goers think we're superhuman? Maybe I'm just misinterpreting their requests and they actually have us all on pedestals in their mind, instead of thinking we're circulation servant monkeys who should always know exactly what they want. If that's the case, I apologize, patrons.

- Circ. Ass.

Like any library, we have security gates in place to help prevent book theft. Sometimes the gate mistakenly beeps when someone passes through with a laptop, flash drive, or even just a new textbook that wasn't desensitized. The gate will also false beep when several people walk through it at once.

I don't have a button behind the desk that controls when or if the gate beeps. It is not my fault that you set off the gate. I am not out to get you. It is nothing to be upset over, unless you're stealing something. Strangely, the people who are attempting to steal are usually calm and collected when we ask to look through their materials. They always pull the "I forgot" card, even when they've tried to remove every ownership stamp or sticker on the book.

- Circ. Ass.

Patrons: Don't get angry with me when you ask me to retrieve a solutions manual without specifying which manual it is and I bring you something other than what you were looking for. I'm going to make a shirt that says, "CANNOT READ MINDS." It'd be just another sign for them to ignore.

- Circ. Ass.

Rage Against the Library

There were three of us on duty this morning: The Boss, myself, and Air Bud. A patron approached the desk asking for change for his dollar and Air Bud informed him that we cannot make change. The patron stood still for a moment to process Air Bud's response before walking directly over to our copy center, inserting his dollar into one of the copiers and pressing the change return button. He smiled at me, smugly jingling his new four quarters and headed for the vending machines. It isn't the first time that this has happened, but patrons always think they're outsmarting us. We must have one of the smallest college campuses in the state. Why can't you muster the 100-yard walk over to the main building where they will happily provide you with change? They have even better vending machines there!

- Circ. Ass.

The most gentlemanly patron I've ever met was in the library today complaining about the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. He was surprised we'd promote "softcore pornography" and remarked that some men would rather actually read about sports in their sports magazine.

Similarly, I've been waiting for that infamous Lindsay Lohan issue of New York to come in so that we can heavily censor it. It's almost like Liberry's idea of filling The Wall Street Journal's crossword in with wrong answers, with a pen.

- Circ. Ass.

Oblivious

We've been having unusually sunny days lately, so the weather took a turn for the worse overnight to remind us that it's still winter. This morning, a professor approached the circulation desk and informed us that he wanted to renew the video he had checked out. His voice was so loud that it actually startled me, and then I noticed he was wearing earmuffs. That explained it, since people usually overcompensate the level of their voice when they can't hear themselves.

A patron also approached the circulation desk about this time. He seemed to be an international student and was intrigued by the professor's earmuffs. He asked, "Do they affect your hearing?"

The professor: "NO, NOT REALLY. NOT AT ALL!"

- Circ. Ass.

Cesspool

To the patron who put his ID in his mouth before handing it to me to check out a textbook:

Thanks, thanks a lot.

- Circ. Ass.

And they're off...

The race down the intelligence highway is going fast and furious this morning.

For some reason, our Technical Librarian decided to take down the signs on our printer stations asking patrons not to print PDF files. See, our printer computers are a bit dated (state school) and don't have a lot of memory in them, so printing a PDF file has the potential to clog the printer for ours. We had a sign on our two public printers for some time stating not to print PDFs and life was good. Then the Technical Librarian had success printing a one-page PDF and thought it was fine.

Well, yesterday, someone printed three PDFs back to back. Sure enough, it clogged the printer. So the Technical Librarian decides to see if she can make it work. She tests prints a PDF. Nope, still clogged. Then she asks me to transfer the clogged PDF print job to the only other working public printer. I obey in a grumble. Now both are down. We put notes on them stating that they're both out of order, meaning students will have to print elsewhere and public patrons are SOL.

This morning, we had a customer conversation that went something like this:

Computer patron: "There are notes on both printers saying they're out of order."

The Boss: "Yes, they both are."

Computer patron: "So, I can't print to either one of them?"

The Boss: (wishing I could say, "That's right. College is working for you. Money well spent, genius. Next stop, Mensa.") "You can't print to either one of the printers that are out of order. That is correct."

Computer patron: (standing, muttering, not looking for a response) "Well, what are we supposed to do? The library's printers are down."

I had many suggestions, but let it be. By now, he should know that there are at least two places to print in the school. Not to mention the public libraries that are close by...


- The Boss

He's baaaack

Lost and Found Guy just came by. He, of course, started the conversation with, "Can you check the lost and found for me?"

Circ. Ass. just grabs the entire box of our lost and found items (now up to 8 or 10) and asks what he's looking for. He begins to describe his cell phone... Nope! It isn't there.

Circ. Ass. notices that there's a black glove in the lost and found and asks if he was still missing his. Lost and Found Guy says, "No, but you have a good memory!"

I think any memory matched up against his would be "good."

- The Boss

Just had the first printer patron of the day.

She asked for a print card and I gladly issued her one. (A refresher: It costs 10 cents per page to print from the library computers. We register patrons cards with a monetary balance to help ease the process of printing. Students get print cards for free through their student fees, whereas public patrons can buy them beginning at $1.) She went to a computer and brought up the document she wanted to print and selected the Print icon.

When selecting to print, a dialog box will appear for the patron to name their print job. She types in her name. So far, so good. She approaches the circulation desk again.

Printer Patron: "Is there anything special I'm supposed to type when the box pops up for me to name my print job?"

The Boss: "No, most people put their name there."

Printer Patron: "I did that and nothing happened. The printer is not printing."

The Boss: "Did you go to the printer and swipe your print card?"

Printer Patron: "No."

I proceed to explain how to swipe her print card and she walks off. I assume she got the printer to work.

I do wonder how she thought holding a print card in her hand would make the job print. Like the computer and printer can differentiate between a patron with a print card and one without. What kind of technology do these people think exists now? In their minds, I guess it would work like a Pike Pass for the turnpike. Wow, that is a great idea.

I also wonder what she thought all that extra equipment around the printer was for while she waited for her job to print. Did it ever enter her mind that the card reader might be used for something? Or that the posted instructions written in plain English actually applied to her?
Good morning, Friday.

- The Boss

The Sixth Sense: Book Guessing?

I know I work in a library and am supposed to know everything, but I don't.

When you come up to the circulation desk and I ask how I can help you, the proper response is not, "I need a book."

Say that and on the right day, you're liable to catch a: "Well, you're in the right place! This is a library and we have over 100,000 items in our collection!"

Of course you need a book. That's why you're at the library circulation desk.

"Can you help me find this book?" or "I need help finding a book" are much more acceptable. "I need a book" is just one step above the patrons who come to the desk and hold up their library card and say nothing, as if I'm a mind reader.

- The Boss

Annoyance #1,327

Situation: phone call to the circulation desk

Me: "Library, how can I help you?"

Patron: "Yeah, is this the library?"

- Circ. Ass.

Computer illiteracy

First computer patron of the day...

Patron, as if she knows about a time they weren't: "Are the computers working yet?"

The Boss: "To my knowledge, yes."

Patron: "Can you help me? I moved the mouse and hit enter like I do on my computer and it isn't working."

The Boss: "Sure."

I walk over to the computer and see that the power button on the computer is not lit up. I press it and ta-da! It's on.

Nothing is said after that. Silence must equal gratitude.

- The Boss

Time for employee development!

Picture this to be Crazy Headphones Lady's third day in a row to visit the library. She walks by the desk and cheerfully says hello and asks how I am. Whenever she's nice, I am leery. This means she already knows she will need help. She proceeds to sit at one of two computers (out of the 75 available) that she has never been able to play videos on. She also happened to pick the only one not already equipped with headphones. She asks to borrow some and Circ. Ass. #1 takes her ID as collateral.

Everything is smooth operating so far. Several hours later, I had just returned from lunch and Crazy Headphones Lady approaches the circulation desk.

Crazy Headphones Lady: "I need my ID back."

Circ. Ass. #2: "OK, what's your name?"

Crazy Headphones Lady: "It's [Crazy Headphones Lady]."

Circ. Ass. #2: "Here it is!"

At this point, Circ. Ass. #2 proceeds to hand Crazy Headphones Lady her ID without her returning our headphones, which is what the ID was collateral for in the first place. I decide to step in.

The Boss: "Uhh, we need our headphones back."

Crazy Headphones Lady doesn't seem to like me, so she ignores me and addresses the circulation assistants as some kind response proxy.

Crazy Headphones Lady (responding to me, but directed at Circ. Ass. #2): "They're over there, at the computer."

The Boss: "We'll need those back before we can give you your ID."

Well, Circ. Ass. #2 has mistakenly given Crazy Headphones Lady her ID back already, so she's becoming uncooperative.

Crazy Headphones Lady: "If you stand up, you can see them over there. That guy is using them right now."

The Boss: "Please go get them. They belong over here. If he needs some, he can check out a pair."

Crazy Headphones Lady walks off to the computer, mumbling something. She yells from the cubicle, "See, here they are!"

I ignore the yelling, hoping she will just return them to me. Still astonished that Circ. Ass. #2 traded her ID for no headphones. Makes me wonder what happens the seven hours we're open during the weekdays when I'm not here. At least there's still Circ. Ass. #1.

- The Boss

Habit-forming

So, you know that whole thing about patrons asking other employees for a second opinion when they hear something they don't want to hear? It happened again the other day. Then again, it happens just about every day.

We have some textbooks on reserve at the circulation desk that students can check out for a couple hours at a time. A guy came in to check out a textbook and returned it shortly thereafter, but whipped back by the desk in a slight panic trying to get The Boss's attention. He tried to ignore my how-can-I-help-yous, but The Boss was busy, so he was forced to settle for my assistance. It turns out he thought he left his student ID in the book he returned and wanted me to look for it. We had multiple copies of the book he checked out, so I pulled them all and searched them thoroughly in front of him. Unfortunately, his ID didn't appear to be in any of them. You'd expect relunctant acceptance in that situation, but he wasn't satisfied. He decided to wait until The Boss was free so that he could check instead.

Huh? Does he have some kind of page-flipping, book-shaking technique that completely trumps my search attempts?

The Boss didn't find the ID either.

- Circ. Ass.

"Helloooo! Excuuuuuse me!"

Crazy Headphones Lady arrived at the library in a cheerful mood today and even stopped to ask how we were at the desk before finding a computer to use. It wasn't long until she was calling to us from behind the circulation desk--out of our peripheral vision, as usual. She asked me to add a dollar to her print card and handed me a tightly-wadded bill. I added the balance for her and she was off to do some printing.

Not long afterwards, she called out from behind again and The Boss tried to assist her. Apparently, she lost her bus fare and wanted to cash out the remaining balance on her print card. This is something we cannot do and The Boss tried informing her of such, but she completely ignored him and locked eyes with me since I made the transaction. I told her the balance couldn't be redeemed and she was visibly upset. I think she went back to printing.

I can't believe how often the above happens. When patrons don't like the answer one employee has to give them, they'll ask the other one on duty. It's always the same outcome, but that doesn't stop them from trying. I'm surprised it happened this way though, since The Boss is my superior and you'd think she'd realize his word is supreme rule anyway. But trust me, patrons, when I say we cannot make change for the copiers because we don't have fines and therefore generate next to no money, it's the truth. My coworker isn't going to give you a different answer, so please don't grin and approach the area of the desk where they are to ask the same question. I wouldn't lead you astray, dear patrons, so there's no need for a second opinion. If I'm unsure about something I'm telling you, I'll definitely verify it before passing the information along. Change for a $20 will not automatically appear in our cash drawer because you asked someone else.

The Boss witnessed a funny scenario today. He was making his usual rounds on the first floor when he heard a very loud male voice speaking. He suspected it to be a patron, but once he pinpointed it, he noticed it was coming from a computer. A lady was sitting at a computer watching some sort of instructional video with headphones on, listening intently. The Boss realized that the headphones weren't even plugged in and politely pointed it out to her. "But I'm hearing it through the headphones!"

No, you're not.

- Circ. Ass.

"Oh, you can just put that in the book drop."

It never fails: when you're sitting behind the circulation desk and want a patron to put their books in the book drop, they'll just put them on the counter. When you're at the counter checking in books, they'll put them in the book drop, forcing you to retrieve them.

"How do you spell sword?"

- Circ. Ass.

"Have you seen my..."

We have a new character to add to the list of usual suspects: Lost and Found guy.

This guy has come up to the circulation desk a few times to ask me if anyone has turned in a black glove. Just one. I checked our small Lost and Found (literally like 5 items) with a glance and told him I didn't see a black glove. He then asked if I could open the classroom in the lobby of the library, full of new expensive computer equipment, just for him. I, of course, cannot do that, so I told him that security would have to. I called security to open the classroom so that he could look to see if he left his single glove in there.

About 30 minutes later, Circ. Ass. was at the desk with me. Lost and Found guy approaches and asks her to check our Lost and Found for a single black skiing glove. I wanted to say, "No, in the last 30 minutes while you were rummaging through that classroom, no one brought your precious glove in." Circ. Ass. informed him that she saw no glove.

About 4 days later, the same guy comes lumbering up to the circulation desk early in the morning. He greeted me with: "Has anyone turned in a flash drive? It's a Sandisk 4GB black thumb drive." I think to myself, wow, this guy could lose anything. A glove that would presumably be on his hand and a thumb drive with potentially 4GB of homework on it? He's not your typical irresponsible 20-something college student, either. I would guess him to be about 45. I check the Lost and Found again for his thumb drive, producing nothing. He asks if he can look in the classroom in the lobby. Again, I tell him I don't have a key for the lobby classrooms and that security would have to unlock it. This time he decides against calling security and shuffles toward the elevator to check the 3rd floor's computer lab. He returns to the circulation desk shortly thereafter to request for security to be called afterall.

The Boss: "Do you want me to call security and have them open the classroom?" (meanwhile noticing that there is a class in progress in the room)

Lost and Found Guy: "No, I just need you to ask if they've seen my thumb drive."

The Boss: "That isn't exactly how it works. Security is the lost and found for the entire campus. They're not going to dig through their stuff while I'm on the phone describing it. You would have to go over to their office."

Lost and Found Guy: "Oh, nevermind."

Lost and Found Guy proceeds to walk off to the classroom in the lobby of the library and take his seat--the very classroom he pestered me to open. So he was 10 minutes late to class looking for a flash drive that very may well have been in that room?

- The Boss

When Xenu knocks... Who listens?

Today, we had a great donation. Two boxes, rather heavy, shipped directly from a publisher. I didn't recognize the publisher, but I was excited because anytime a publisher sends two boxes of new books for free is an exciting time. As the boxes were opened, I had to behold the burst of radiant bright light cast from the glare of the mothership. Two full boxes of brand new, cellophane-wrapped Scientology books. About 20 in each box, all by the almighty L. Ron Hubbard.

This is only amazing due to the fact that Circ. Ass. was talking to me about Scientology just the day before we got the shipment. Today I will have her talk to me about diamonds and gold.

- The Boss

When Scientology attacks

Circ. Ass: "Library, how can I help you?"

Patron: "OK, I have a question! What do you call here and hear and there and their?"

Circ. Ass: "I'm sorry?"

Patron: "You know, like, they're the same, but they're different!" Honoleums?"

Circ. Ass: "Homonyms?"

Patron: "Yes! How do you spell that?"

That was the highlight of my morning until The Boss discovered that the Church of Scientology donated two boxes of L. Ron Hubbard's greatest masterpieces to our library.

- Circ. Ass.

Creepy stranger lurking

It was a fairly uneventful morning until Creepy Potential Stalker guy made an appearance. This was our first visit from CPS, so we had no clue what we were in for. He started out on the first floor of the library, wandering from one patron to another as if he was making rounds at a function where networking was the main goal. A librarian asked one of our regular patrons who had just wrapped up an encounter with CPS if he knew him. The patron said that he didn't know him, but that CPS called him by name to ask him for a cigarette. At that time, the librarian decided to ask CPS not to bother patrons he does not know, but he had already disappeared.

I went upstairs to monitor things on the second floor when I spotted CPS chatting up a young woman. He slinked away before I could question him, so I directed my inquiries to the girl. She also said that she didn't know him, but that he asked her if she would like to meet him at the library the following morning.

Ummm, that would be a no, Creepy Potential Stalker guy.

- The Boss

Can you hear me now? (awful pun)

A patron dropped his phone down the elevator shaft this morning. He was pretty peeved about it, too. Talk about perfect timing, to drop your phone as the doors are opened and while you're stepping out. The Boss tried to get him to call it just so we could hear the muffled ringing and have a few laughs, but the guy wasn't having any of that.

"I saw it drop into the shaft and I heard it hit the ground! And it was on vibrate anyway!"

- The Boss & Circ. Ass.

The sweet spot

I'm always amazed at how trusting patrons are of other people, especially when it comes to their valuable possessions. Many times I've seen someone leave their expensive laptop, iPod, or cell phone unattended while they spend a few minutes in the bathroom or run to the main building to break a dollar. Reading incident reports at the college can make you think criminals run rampant here, but I'm honestly surprised there aren't more theft issues.

Speaking of thievery, there was a story circulating a few months ago about a couple who was stealing books from several different libraries to resell them. Their scam was elaborate, involving disguises and different identities to register courtesy cards. I think we pinpointed ten different accounts in our system that belonged to them. They were eventually found out when whoever they were selling the materials to recognized our stamps on the books. I wonder what gave them the idea to rip off libraries.

- Circ. Ass.

The Sliders

Let's say I'm checking out books to a Slider, typically a disgruntled patron. I have my hand out reaching for their ID to scan, but this gesture goes ignored by The Sliders. The Sliders fling their IDs across the counter like they're playing air hockey, with such force that the cards fly off onto the floor behind the circulation desk. The Sliders offer no apologies.

- Circ. Ass.

Signs, signs, everywhere signs

There is a slot (the "book drop") at the circulation desk for patrons to return checked-out materials, materials they were simply browsing, or headphones. A lot of times, patrons will completely ignore the book drop and heave their used materials on the countertop. This often causes confusion among the staff, especially during shift changes when employees don't know if the items have already been discharged. It usually leads to books being shelved or headphones returning to their drawer when they haven't been checked in. To combat this, the circulation staff made a sign to display on the counter, directly above the book drop, to clear any confusion for patrons about where their used items should go. Patrons look directly at the sign and decide not to heed its advice, reaching around it to place their books on the counter.

Instances like these make me think that no matter where a sign is placed, how big it is, or how brightly decorated it may be, it will be ignored. I know visiting the campus for the first time is confusing and I'm more than happy to relieve someone's stress and point them in the right direction, but this post is mainly about the repeat offenders or completely helpless.

- Circ. Ass.

"Headphones!"

Patrons who aren't students can check out headphones in exchange for valid collateral--a photo ID or a set of keys. Things patrons have tried to use as collateral: birth certificates, social security cards, homemade IDs, clothes, cash, lip gloss, and a receipt

- The Boss & Circ. Ass.

The usual suspects

We, The Boss and Circ. Ass., got this idea for a character list from the liberry blog. Our nicknames definitely aren't as clever as his, but they're in the preliminary stages and are subject to change.

Crazy Headphones Lady - An impatient woman, potentially homeless, who comes into the library to listen to music videos, but always manages to sit at a computer that has video issues. Not only do videos malfunction at her chosen computer, but the headphones are also broken. Always requests to borrow headphones, but never has a photo ID to use as collateral. Seems to purposely stay out of the circulation staff's peripheral vision while asking for assistance.

Quiet Homeless Woman - Crazy Headphones Lady's accomplice. Will borrow headphones for Crazy Headphones Lady with her own photo ID. Meekish woman that causes very little trouble, but does think that our printing fee is too high.

Rockstar - Young college student that looks much younger than college-age. Nicknamed for returning a headset and informing the staff in a too-cool tone that he will not wind the cord around the headphones (our policy). Refers to his hair as "the crown of thorns" and insists he looks like the singer for whatever band is cool that semester.

Hot Pants - Man, likely homeless, who walks through the library daily around 11AM with a plastic bag of unidentified items. Always wears the same white t-shirt and very short red sweatpant cut-offs.

Newspaper Man (nickname pending) - Diligent paper-reader, will corner employees about staying in school if he catches their gaze.

Serial Killer Guy - Creepy patron with a strange bone structure, has been caught watching pornography and claims to have been in major movies and popular television shows.

- The Boss & Circ. Ass.

Easily confused

Print cards are included in the fees for students enrolled at the community college. A print card is a card that allows patrons a certain number of pages printed from the computers in the library. Students need only ask for a print card, whereas the general public can buy them at a rate of $1 each and add to that amount as they see fit.

Copy cards are non-existent cards that allow patrons free copies. Many students and professors mistakenly refer to the print cards as copy cards. When corrected, patrons usually respond with, "whatever it's called, can I get one?" They are subsequently astonished when the cards don't work at the copiers.

- The Boss & Circ. Ass.

The sigh heard around the world

Yesterday I experienced the strangest, most insulting encounter I've ever had with a patron. It began with a woman who lost three of the seven books she had checked out, all of which were very overdue. As a college library, we substitute fines for holds on academic accounts, meaning students cannot enroll or request a transcript until their library issues are resolved. I know enrollment is a frustrating time for everyone, but patrons act like we have a personal vendetta against them when we tell them we can't lift account holds until all of the offending materials have been returned or paid for.

The woman I was assisting was cheery enough, until I told her I wouldn't lift her hold "for an hour" while she enrolled. She insisted someone had done it for her before and when I told her I couldn't violate library policy, she asked to speak to my boss and thus heard the same spiel twice. If a patron has lost a book, they have two options: a) pay for the book ($50 flat fee) or, usually the cheapest route, b) replace the book. The woman sensed defeat, so she said she would be by later to pay and left in a gruff mood. She did return, with a $100 check and the third missing book in hand. I was relieved that she wasn't going to cause a scene by refusing to pay and happily filled out a receipt for her. Her check was on the counter during the transaction, partially obstructed by her arm. While I was filling out the receipt, I noticed that she was having an almost cartoonish realization when she saw that I hadn't yet taken the check. With a remarkable lack of subtlety, her eyes widened and glanced to each side as she cleverly pulled the rest of the check under her arm and towards her body, covering it completely. Was she really trying to do what I thought she was doing? I finished the receipt and asked for the check... She pretended that she already gave it to me.

- Circ. Ass.

The real action begins

What community college library employee doesn't experience the overwhelming sense of dread that comes with preparing for the first day of a new semester? Long gone are the intercession days of angelic silence and shelving peacefully amidst a ghost town of book shelves and unoccupied study corrals.

We employees forge ahead into the new semester with the kind of irritability that comes with food poisoning, but at least we make a point to have a smile on our faces while doing so. I usually make an effort to be pleasant, especially after I once had a patron comment on my look of dissatisfaction by telling me in a really facetious tone that librarians must have the most stressful jobs. I often wonder what kind of workplace the general public thinks libraries are. Sure, it's an intellectual environment, but it definitely isn't the "zen" atmosphere people might believe it to be. There's print cards, paper jams, the homeless, and nursing students. Oh, nursing students...

I'm kidding. I have no qualms with my fantastic job (really, it is fantastic). Working for and with the public is always rewarding and there's never a dull day. Here's an outlet to document them.

- Circ. Ass.